


Cry!Baby!

by coolest



Series: ashes to ashes, dust to dust verse [3]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angry Harry, Drug Addiction, Harry-centric, Heavy Angst, Heroin, Insecure Harry, M/M, Mentions of drugs, Minor Character Death, New York City, Supportive Boyfriend Louis, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-02
Updated: 2016-11-02
Packaged: 2018-08-28 15:11:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,406
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8451268
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/coolest/pseuds/coolest
Summary: The city is melting and Harry has never felt sadder.Part 2: Harry





	

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! Thank you so much for the support from the last chapters/idk what they're called but yeah. I really appreciated it and I'm so happy that you guys like this. This hasn't been edited bc i don't have a beta and i suck but anyway i hope you guys like this and pls comment if you want to, don't be shyyyyyyyy (cringes). I'm all up for criticism, i'm a tough bitch 
> 
> Title credits go to Bibio for his song 'Cry!Baby!'  
> it's super sad like this fic soz for all the angst, i live on it

When Harry was 16 his mom overdosed on heroin and died on the couch next to him during an episode of Dr. Phil. 

It’s October 21st and Harry wakes up alone. He gets up and puts his hand over his chest to stop his heart from hurting so much. It doesn’t work. So he puts his hands on either side of his head and prays for it to stop pounding. It never does. 

He counts to ten, unclenches his fist and counts to ten again. He closes his eyes; see’s her face and opens them again. He kneels down on the floor beside his bed, holds on tightly to the rosary around his neck and prays to a God with his eyes wide open. He doesn’t want to see her, doesn’t want to remember even though he’s never forgotten her. 

Louis finds him like this- crying softly into their comforter and praying the same prayer he’s been reciting since he was 16 and homeless, broke and alone in a city as big as New York with no father and a dead mother. He stands by the doorframe, smoking a cigarette and waits till Harry’s cried out all of his anger, all of his grief before making his way towards him. 

Once the crying has stopped and his body isn’t shaking as much anymore, Louis kneels down besides him and prays with him. He doesn’t believe in God but he believes in Harry and that’s enough to save them both. 

“How do you feel?” 

“I miss her.” 

“I know you do.” Louis replies, combing his fingers through Harry’s hair and letting him press his head against his chest. “And I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” 

Harry continues to shake and he continues to grieve. His anger fills every corner of the room and the feeling is suffocating. Louis holds him tighter. 

 

Harry hasn’t seen Gemma in 4 years. Not since she fucked off to Los Angeles and created a new life in which he wasn’t her brother anymore- like he didn’t love her, like she wasn’t the only family he’d had left. 

 

They shower and get dressed. It’s hot outside and the city is melting. Still, they hold hands as they walk to the cemetery and they don’t let go even as they sit down on the overgrown grass next to the grave that neither of them has visited in a long time. 

Louis insisted Harry bring flowers, her favourite kind, to put on her grave.

“Happy birthday mom.” Harry speaks up. He doesn’t tear his eyes off the tombstone. He can still remember everything about her. “I’m sorry it’s been so long but I’m still so fucking angry.” 

Today is such a beautiful day and Harry’s never felt sadder. The world feels heavier than it normally does and he hates it. He hates his mom and he hates what she did to him and Gemma and herself. He can’t fucking believe his mother is gone, dead. He hates Gemma for leaving him. 

“I never went to your funeral and I’ve said this so many times but I’m still so sorry. I couldn’t deal with it then and I still can’t deal with it now. Sometimes, I still feel you everywhere and other days I can barely remember what shade of green your eyes were. D’you miss me?” the wind picks up. Next to him, Louis shuffles closer and rests his head on his shoulder. “I miss you but I still think you’re the most selfish person on earth. What mother risks her life for heroin? You always told me you loved me and sometimes it never felt like it but on the days when you remembered who we were you were the best mom in the world, I promise. You were the mom I grew up with, the mom I knew you to be and I-“ 

He stops before he chokes on the anger climbing up his throat and looks up towards the sun, eyes blurry with tears made of lava

Louis grabs his shaking hands, brings them to his own lips and leaves them there. The world goes quiet once more and Harry starts again. 

“-I can’t forget mama.” When does it stop hurting? “I can’t forget you mama. ”

 

 

They get home at 01:00 am in the morning, drunk and happy enough not to be sad anymore.

Louis kisses him against the door of their flat, arms wrapped loosely around Harry’s neck and body pressed against his. Harry holds him by his waist, presses him against the door and kisses him like the end of the world is knocking on their door- like they’ve got no time. 

“It’s the 22nd.” Louis whispers, eyes still closed when Harry pulls back. He looks down at his body, flushed pink from the night and the drinks. “Are you still sad?”

“’M always sad.” 

“I know you are. I’m sorry you’re so sad.” 

“I’m sorry I’m so sad. She was my mom. She was fucked up but she was my mom and I loved her. I still love her so much. I still miss her so much.” 

Louis’ fingers trace the outline of his lips. He opens his eyes and Harry’s heart enlarges in size, beats ten times quicker and harder than it normally does. He loves him so much. It’s all consuming. 

“I miss her all the fucking time.” Harry tells him honestly, like Louis doesn’t already know this, like he hasn’t spent the last 3 years trying to help him move on. “And it makes me so angry. I’m tired of being so angry. I don’t want to hurt you.” 

“I’m a big boy.” Louis tells him, smirking. His eyes are so shiny, it’s almost as if he packed the stars back home in Oregon in his eyes before he came here to New York. 

“I’ve hurt you enough.” 

“I’ve hurt you enough too.” 

“I don’t want to be like my family. My dad left my mom when I was too young to even remember how he even fucking looked like. My mom left. Gemma left. I don’t want to be like them. I can’t lose you. I-“ 

Louis kisses him again, firmer than the last kiss. He holds him by his jaw and licks into his mouth languidly. He tastes of hope. “You won’t lose me. You’re not like your mother or your father or your sister. You’re stronger than they were and I love you like this Harry. I’ve told you so many times that I love you exactly like this, the way we are now. I don’t want you to change for me. I want you to change for you.” 

(When Harry was ten, Gemma used to dress him up in all her most fancy dresses and paint his nails in that specific shade of purple he still, to this day, loves. Harry wants to be that person again- wants to love and live as freely as he did then now.) 

“I don’t want to be so angry anymore. I’m trying so hard.” 

“Everything’s going to work out in the end. One day, things will be so good and the things that hurt you now won’t hurt you as much as they do now. I’m sorry you’ve been hurt so many times. But I’m here now Harry. I’m going to be here forever, holding you hand, helping you. I love you too much to let you suffer alone.” 

A moment of silence stretches past them. All the lights in their apartment have been switched off and Harry can’t make out much of Louis except for his eyes and the tip of his nose and his mouth and the flush sitting high on his cheeks. 

Louis touches his face, eyes wandering all over- taking in every detail and flaw. “You’re so beautiful.” He says finally, breaking the silence. 

The corners of Harry’s lips crook up into a smile that shocks him even. Louis presses a finger into a dimple and giggles. (Sometimes, they have good days.)

Somewhere in the galaxy, new planets are forming in new universes and stars are dying whilst some are just getting started. Supernovas are occurring and the moon continues to inch further and further away from the earth with every passing millisecond. 

One day, this pain will end and Harry will learn to love like an open door. One day, his hands will stop shaking and his fists will unclench.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you guys enjoyed this! thanks for reading up to here. If you want to comment, please do! I'm open to criticism just pls don't be too savage bc I'm low-key soft 
> 
> -L x


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